Shoes That Don't Fit
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I'm talking to you, iPad

9/4/2015

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Wow, typing on this device is so fantastic. My fingers seem to glide across the keys as though they were made for eachother. Weird, we are, for identifying with manmade objects as equals. It's a bit smaller than any computer I've come across, yet smaller is totally better in this instance. Truth is though it’s not my iPad, the story is so circumstantial and dare I say it, lucky, that you probably won’t believe how it came into my posession. Then again, you’re a computer so you don’t really have a choice if you want to believe me or not.

[wow, it's as if I sense the feelings that I just drew out of you, is that possible?]

You know how they say another man’s trash is another man’s treasure? Well another man’s trash is a half scratched lotto ticket. A bent and folded piece of assumed worthlessness. Whoever you are, you didn’t know that whatever stopped you from scratching the rest of that ticket truly changed your life… without you even noticing.

All I had on me was a quarter, which I was planning to save for a meal, a hot dog maybe, if I could manage to get even that. I was on the verge of giving up, mopeing down to the bay bridge and melting into the sea. Becoming one with the ominous water whose rhythm seemed so peaceful, so easy. It was that lotto ticket, the one I found fluttering through the silent town, that changed my mindset from that point on. I used my last quarter for not a hot dog, but to scratch that remaining ticket to its core.

People say that money can’t make you happy, but you don’t know the opposing viewpoint of that statement until you’ve lived and breathed it. Til you've crawled through the streets, mustering the energy to knock on doors and attempt to prove that you're worth a shift. Just one shift, let me prove to you that I can help. It took time to be able to brush off the abundance of downward stares and scoffs that were aimed my way. This all in some way was a pyramid, or a climbing staircase to that moment that I took that freshly scratched ticket to the closest drug store I could find. I to this day can’t put into words the expression that consumed my face when he, the man behind the counter, told me what that lotto ticket was worth. I suppose it was a combination of all emotions rolled into one; Into one stunned figure, staring at the cashier’s waiting gaze. You can’t be serious. This belongs to him, the man who let it fly. Yet – it belongs to me too, I suppose. From that moment I decided that instead of trying to track down the man it rightfully belonged to, I would do my best to essentially tear this ticket into millions of pieces and scatter them over lost souls. Use the winnings to change the world. No, I don’t want to create the next bigger, better gadget. I want to make people smile, to give people motivation and help them know their potential.

To this day I make it a daily requirement to put a smile on people’s faces, to not let my eyes rest until I have made an impact on those I come across. I use the unkown man’s fortune to do so. So, realistically, this iPad isn’t mine, but it is one of the many results of that whirlwind day that my world changed flight plans. Houston, we have no problem. I’d like to think that whoever the ticket belonged to, that they would be honored to know what it has accomplished and who it has made me. I’m no longer the bay bridge dweller, but the man behind the curtain of smiles that coat the streets. And for this I am forever grateful.

*Fiction scribbles written on too much caffeine

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It's been a while

6/26/2015

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Hey, Journal. It's been a little since I've been able to sit down and collect my thoughts. Seems as though these days I barely have time to collect myself let alone my thoughts. Luckily, that is a good thing right now. I'm very busy with working my new job on campus, fulfilling my other job as a pet sitter, and stepping up to the plate for all Maid-of-Honor duties. Phew. There is not enough time in the day. I've missed writing, even though I don't think I quite realized it until right this instant. It always seems to slip my mind how much of a healing this is for me. Yesterday was tough. I mean really tough. But I somehow kept a smile on my face until my best friend was ready to go home from her birthday night out. So childish, it seems, that we put so much work into birthdays at this age. I don't mean just celebrating, but the physical decorating, planning and execution is entirely thought out and intricate. I enjoy holding the reigns -- equestrian pun intended -- on occasions like birthdays, yet that also comes with my personal desire to fulfill all of my expectations and plans by giving the birthday subject a day/night of their dreams. Sue me. I may stress myself out and annoy the heck out of my boyfriend venting about all of the things I have to do, but I love seeing it all play out. It's rewarding just to see that person glowing with happiness. It makes it all worth it. I guess we should all strive to feel that a little more -- personal fulfillment from seeing others happy. It's a good balance of positives.

I just said the word boyfriend in that last paragraph, which glides off of my tongue quite easily now. Truth is, though, a couple of posts ago I was spilling into this journal about how I thought that I was falling in love with him. Well, my thoughts were right. I've had relationships, and I thought I knew love and thought that I understood it. I had only broken the surface. My whole world was flipped upside down when this boy showed me what actual love was, and he continues to show me every single day. All the of the cliches can be inserted [right here] because I don't know what I would do without his support, humor and compassion. More on this later, frankly because I could go on for days. 

On another note, I had an assignment do for a blog-centered class a couple weeks ago. I decided to tie food into advertising and blog about inspiration you can find from cuisine. In this moment, I connected the dots that have been staring me in the face for quite some time. I've admired the time and effort put into making a meal look presentable for quite some time. Whenever  I receive a dish, I promptly notice the execution of colors, balance, and texture. I did all of this without even realizing I was doing it. It was this assignment that made me correlate the reasoning for my mild obsession with food presentation and quality. Unlike my mother, I don’t possess the ability to come up with recipes on a dime and have the outcome be impeccable. (You rock, mom.) Yet,  I like learning how to cook and seeing how different ingredients and methods can alter the outcome of a meal and make it that much more spectacular. It’s an interesting concept, and during this assignment, it had a significant impact on me and I saw a correlation –Food is a necessity, we simply
need it to survive, but we choose to make it beautiful. In a consumer driven world, Advertising is much like a food. To keep the industry thriving, companies sustain themselves with Advertising to either draw in profit or to inform.  Advertising is a food to business, but we choose to make it beautiful. There are hardworking teams that work day in and day out to create the next world-shaking campaign that puts their products at the top of the charts– one day I aim to be a part of one.

So there you go, my passion put into a simple summary. I'm a blatant ad-nerd... and I'm okay with that. I also love the beauty of cuisine and the effort of impeccable execution. Well done, chefs and moms (and dads) worldwide.

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A Thinking Poem

4/9/2015

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Whoever We May Be

Born into the world with new, untouched eyes.
You’re unsure of the world in front of you.
You cry.
                    You grow.
Is it always so new and foreign?
Do you adjust to a world that simply is
                                    or do you mold it?

Must it be so simple
as nature versus nurture?

Who are we?

That movement with new eyes;
                                are they really new?
Are they programmed to see a certain way?
To think a certain way?
No two being the same in what they see.

I’m faced with a conflict-
Are we slowly growing into who we’ve been destined to be
or are we in the process of becoming our own?
                                A steady unveiling or a handmade mold?

Who are you?

Are you a spitting image of your past?
Or are you just the mirror in front of you;
the reflection that looks back with the same eyes
who once were so unaccustomed to what is.
                                The unknown.

Does the world shape us or shave us?

Shape us.
A new person, our own, a finding, a becoming.

Shave us.
An ice sculpture with the ending masterpiece awaiting,
                                   gradually chiseled away by the unknown hand.

I’ll never know.
        You’ll never know.
We, will never know;
            whoever we may be.

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A Complicated Simplicity

1/26/2015

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There are all different kinds of relief. The relief of good company after a long day, relief of getting a good grade on a pain-staking project, relief of nailing a business proposition to your boss, or relief of fulfilling a promise to someone or exceeding expectations. They're all forms of the definition of relief. But what do they actually feel like? What is it that makes you feel that way? I don't think I can describe it. Yet, combine all of those together, and it doesn't even come close to the feeling of relief and comfort that you feel from someone loving you and vice versa.
  
Look up relief, and it probably won't note "love" as a synonym. Did that word make your stomach drop? Did someone come to mind? Did some
thing come to mind? It's a powerful word, sometimes scary, sometimes overwhelming. It can consume you, or someone else, for better or for worse. It gets thrown around in many contexts, and takes on diverse meanings this day in age. Love can be material, but is that really love? Can you physically feel the impact of love towards an inanimate object? Think about it. It's not that you necessarily "love" this object, it's more-so the feeling that the object gives you. That's what makes you think you feel a certain way about it, all you're doing is generalizing that feeling, and putting it into a word. A word holding an array of associations and definitions.

A lot of times we, as humans, confuse emotions. I for one know that I have used the "L word" when it wasn't what I was actually feeling. At the time, sure, I believed it. Hell, I was naive and It felt right. You get a false sense of infatuation with something that seems good for you. And perfect for you. In reality, you're tricking yourself. Sometimes you knowingly ignore this and sometimes you're completely unaware. It happens. You learn from it. You move on.

If you've ever been told "you'll know when it's real" but don't exactly understand what this means, relax. It's something you have to experience to understand. When the "L word" is in your face taunting you to use it and it takes all you have to keep it in, that's when you know it's real. It's when you're with someone who makes you feel relieved as soon as you see them or hear their voice or receive a millennial-like text message from them. Or maybe it's not that cinematic, maybe it's just easier to take a breath when they're around you. Maybe a smile comes to your face just a little easier. Being with them is simply easy. Not in the sense that there is no strife, but that your mind and body are at ease in their presence. "You know it when you feel it." To imagine something so powerful and so capable of making you vulnerable, it's only natural for us to be scared of it. We fear commitment because, hell, it's scary. So hate that boy that broke your heart because he was scared to commit, but know that he, in a sense, can be understood. It's not easy, no one ever said it was. There will be lows, that's inevitable. Pick your battles, don't fight over things that aren't significant. This applies to internal battles as well. Listen to your gut, it's real... I promise. (Right, like I'm going to trust some blogger for advice) Fine, if you don't want to trust me, just trust yourself. You know what is best for yourself, so don't let the opinions of others occupy too much space in your brain and trust your instincts.

When you find that relief, that comfort, don't overlook it or put it on the back burner. Accept what you're feeling, don't let it scare you. It's a beautiful roller coaster of a word. So love, and love fully. We don't know where we're going, even though sometimes we wish we did. We don't know tomorrow, so embrace today and acknowledge the love you feel. Let it ease your nerves and worries and therefore uplift you. It's a crazy world out there, find relief in all of its magnitudes; big and small. Do what makes you happy. Before this turns into a cheesy hallmark ad, I'll leave you to think about your own security. Find what makes you feel secure. Indulge in it.



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Game changing

12/8/2014

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It was last week. I had a grade-deciding final project due in my 3-D design class, and as any art related student will understand, I had to stretch some resources to find materials to work with. That's the most unimportant detail of this post. It's just part of the back story. I was hunting for used cardboard, to be exact. I went store to store, door to door. In this process, I only faced sour faces, short words, and turned backs. Not one single person that I encountered was willing to help me locate even the slightest amount of material I needed. I could credit this to the fact that with each failed attempt, I became a little less conversational and convincing, seeing as the stress of the week and night was catching up to me. That's an excuse, and I'll accept that. But that doesn't change the effect it had on my mood; the world was winning. I felt worn down. How could not one single person be willing to take a second out of their night shift to help me? I'm not sure if it was selfishness, laziness, or just the choice not to care that stopped these people from lending a hand or offering a tip. I knew that if roles were reversed, I wouldn't shrug off their request. I would at least make an effort to make it SEEM like I cared. I understand the variation of people in the world, even though I've only been exposed to a grain of the sand castle, but it baffled me that night and it broke me down how inconsiderate every person was.

Luckily, the night was beautiful. I was trying to keep my head up and work out a solution for my procrastination and failed attempts. I kept driving around with cardboard vision, doing drive by's of every dumpster in town. I decided that I had time to walk around for a little bit, that the night was too pretty to pass up. I chose to try again in the morning and parked my car at the local outdoor shopping mall. Shops still had a couple hours left before closing, and I was in need of a cocktail dress by the end of the week. So I started store hopping.

Every store I walked into, I was asked if I could be helped. What? You want to help me? Normally, on a regular day, this wouldn't phase me. I may actually be annoyed by the pestering. If I wanted help, I would've asked. But today, today was a different outlook. They wanted to help me. This was beyond refreshing. I still felt the weight of the world as if things just weren't balanced. I was hoping for a break in the defense, a gamechanging run.

I decided I would walk into one last store before I made my way home. I made my way to the checkout counter and asked a woman where the reading glasses were. She escorted me to the shelves of glasses to choose from. I began trying them on, attempting to get my mind off how battered I felt. Some people say that the world sends you signs. Whether that be religious or simply coincidence differs by opinion and belief. I needed one of those, but I didn't know that at the time. Out of nowhere, as I knelt to the ground deciding on glasses, a young boy came running my way. I barely saw him coming from behind the shelving. He was about 3 years old, that's all I could gather before he stopped in front of me, eye to eye, and muttered "you're pretty" with bashful eyes and innocent stance. He then ran back to somewhere on other side of the store without me seeing where he went. I let out a thank you as fast as I could while trying to grasp the situation. How incredibly sweet. How perfect in timing. I couldn't help but see it as a sign. As an "it's gonna be okay." I stayed kneeling on the ground, smiling ear to ear. I was so humbled. I then saw the bright eyed boy run to his mom in the checkout line. He saw me still kneeling and came running back to me before I could react. He wrapped both of his arms around me in the most sincere hug I've ever embraced. Let me reiterate, he was 3. How could a 3 year old insert this much positivity into my world in such a short amount of time? I can't explain it. I heard his mom lecturing him on the way out, "Mason, you can't just hug people, some people don't like that." Yet little did Mason know, he turned my world around with that hug. The little things prevailed in that moment and I no longer felt the weight of the world. Instead, I felt it gliding with me.

I immediately called my mom and told her the story of my encounter as I was fighting happy tears from my eyes. I walked passed a store, and in that instant, saw the dress I had been imagining to find. The woman working the checkout counter willingly took the dress off the mannequin as it was the last one in my size. I drove home, still smiling ear to ear, as I passed a newly thrown out mountain of cardboard boxes. Those were small details in my opinion. Somehow, everything started falling into place. If you ask me, it was all due to Mason. Somehow, he turned the world around for me.

There are many Masons in your life, coincidence or not. See them in all their glory and never underestimate the power of true sincerity. You may not remember me, Mason, but I'll never forget the lesson you taught me and the joy you brought into my life so quickly.

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Pre Food Coma

11/26/2014

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It's hard to remember what your family is like when you're not with them, that's something I've come to realize. Maybe that's just my own personal mind at work, but maybe that's everyone. I forget how much these people get me, and how much I love that they do. It doesn't matter where "home" is, because it's wherever they are. Minus all the mushy cliche interpretations of what I just said, they are home to me. I hope everyone feels this way about someone or something. I hope something makes you feel home, something crosses your mind everyday, or something molded you or is molding you into the person you are today. Home for me is not geographical. After all, I get pestered and guilt tripped by my mother if I call my college town my home. To me, both are home. One just has deeper roots. Yet both have seen me grow in immense ways.

Family is a tricky thing, they share a deeper bond with you and your past. There's only so much you can convey to someone who wasn't there to see it unveil. Yet I've learned that even though family is irreplaceable, you create new branches of "family" wherever you feel at home. For me, my people are in my college town. Those are just simply, my people. I've been blessed enough to find multiple minds that mesh with mine and for me, that can be difficult. I'm not the easiest brain wave to catch on to. I'm forever thankful for the many amazing people I've encountered in that town, at home, and among other travels. I'm just a little smitten at the fact that one of those amazing people, embodies a scary similar version of myself (probably a better one). And that person's hand just happens to fit perfectly in mine.

Moral of this post and this thought process, is that I'm irrevocably thankful for the inspiring and homey people in my life. Thank you for all you do for me, even when you don't realize that you're doing anything at all. I hope you feel at home, for now and always. Happy day of giving thanks. Make it every day.

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It's 2 a.m.

11/18/2014

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I miss the days when we didn't have instant gratification. When you took a picture through a tiny lens and had to physically take it to be developed and then open each envelope, unveiling the results. Do people make scrapbooks anymore? Or even photobooks? I'm afraid the dependence on our hard drives has replaced the idea of actually holding those memories instead of swiping left or right to view them. Even bigger than pictures, is the decline in videos. Maybe I'm the only one who takes notice of this as a result of my love for documenting memories. Some families still video, but it's not nearly as prominent these days. So 30 years down the road... What are we all going to gather and watch and embarrass each other with? My family for one loves home videos, I just wish future generations would have that desire to document. Granted, I would've loved if our camera stopped working from about my 7th-9th grade years, I still will never turn down watching old videos or going through old pictures.

I've been told that my desire to keep pictures and go through old memories somehow correlates to me not being able to let go of the past. That somehow I believe I've reached my peak in life and am longing for the times in the memories. I don't agree with this, however. For me, I just like to relive memories and reminisce. I think documentating things is so entertaining and I suppose I'm okay with whatever deeper meaning that holds. I also want to be able to pull up pictures and say, "what did I do in college?" "well, ...this." I will also probably be the mom with video camera in hand at all times with my family (that is, if video cameras are still a thing).

I think looking through the past can be building and revealing if you look at it in the right light. If pictures resemble a hard time for you, look at how you have grown since then. Or what that time taught you. Sure, it's not my favorite to look at pictures from a past relationship that went downhill, but I learned a lot from that breakup. I learned what I wanted, how I deserved to be treated, how to be independent, and how to bring yourself back up when you're at your lowest point. Sounds dramatic, I know. But it's all the thought process I go through when reminiscing. A picture really can say a thousand words. What those thousand words are, though, is completely up to you.

Maybe I'll write eventually about my problem with hoarding. Pictures is one thing, but sometimes I battle with letting go of actual memoirs of things that resemble memories for me. Pictures are easy to organize and present, but a cluster of beads from New Years on the other hand... Not so much.

So hey, having a great day? Take a picture of it. I bet you'll look back and be able to recreate the feeling you had in that moment.

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outside the bubble 

11/3/2014

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        I go to school at a place that I find myself unsettled. I love the atmosphere of my campus, especially around game-day saturdays, but I still am unsure of how much I want to associate myself with the school itself. I have come to realize that this place is sort of like a bubble. There's more stereotypes and judging eyes than I care for. I'm not sure if it's just what comes with the territory of going to a school in my geographic location, or if it's just what the people at this school are truly like. There's constant one-uppers and look-you-up-and-downers. I've found that when I take a step out of the town itself, and I mean quite literally, I experience a wake up call. Every single time. Trust me, when I talk about my school, I want to brag: "It's absolutely amazing, I love it. Everyone is so friendly and open minded. The Greek system is really close-knit and I love all my classes." I inflate my feelings every time I answer questions about my school. Quite simply, not because I'm lying, but because that's what I want it to be like. I want to not be judged by the letters on my shirt or the car I drive. Unfortunately, that isn't the mindset of majority of this 32,000--and quickly growing--student body. I'd love to know the root of this bubble-like mindset so I could rip it out of the ground. It's nothing to grow off of. Okay enough of the angry metaphors, in actuality, I just want to be able to change the university itself; to remove labels and cliques and stretch each mind to expand beyond the stereotypes and dollar sign measurements.
        I went away this weekend to a completely new area that I had never been to, something I enjoy doing when I can. I met fascinating people, who made valiant efforts to make sure I felt at home and included. They didn't know me, but they didn't care. They wanted to. They didn't snoot their noses and stare at their phones. In fact, I was called out multiple times for picking up my cell phone, "C'mon, enjoy the company around you. You don't need that thing!" Normally, those words would set me off. Instead, I agreed with them. They were great. A couple bowls of chilli and warm conversation later and I was one of them, and they were okay with that. Maybe this university has taught me to see the side of people that is frowned upon. It has allowed me to appreciate when being in a bubble isn't the norm. I do love my university, there are flowers among thorns and I've luckily found some worth keeping for a lifetime; just maybe a little more thorns than I'd choose to interact with. I am sure of one thing, stepping out of the bubble has only further convinced me to travel the world. Undying wanderlust. Maybe I can pop a few more bubbles along the way.

Compact air
              step outside

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illumination

10/24/2014

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How a person sees the world around them can be controlled. I can't imagine going through this life, or even just a day, without at least attempting to wear a smile or draw one out of someone else. There can be negatives to any situation, that's accurate. But the conscious choice to see the half empty instead of the simplistic beauty is absurd. If you want to be happy, be! Your complaining is a cancer to the atmosphere around you and yourself, and the consequences of that are evident. You drone on about this and that instead of taking a moment to measure the importance of the things you're letting control your optimism. Could you emanate positivity? Quite simply, yes. That is entirely up to you. I can promise you this, you will see the world completely different.  Take the axis off your head and realize that this world will spin on with or without you, so you might as well spin with it. Along with this comes the ability to overcome the negative outlets in your life; They may be people, they may be objects, they may be thoughts. Whatever they may be, they are surmountable. So smile a little, is it really that bad? Hell, dance to the beat in your headphones on the way to class and high-five your co-workers, cause today's a good day, and you're going to make it great. ...Why? Because you can.

In darkness we see just that
        only the bleak and the uncharted
but lever a switch to be un-flat
         and see around the world around you unguarded

Allow your eyes to be unrefined
    un-blindfold your thoughts by conscious choice
Dive past that continental shelf in your mind
    and illuminate all else, rejoice!


   

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rough waters 

10/21/2014

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You are here.

On this map, at this location. Can't see it? That's because that measly dot, the one guiding your direction and self awareness, is hidden. Hidden behind whatever cluster stands in front of it.  A test, a fight, a gloomy sky, a simple misunderstanding. And that, in essence, is a bad day. I'm used to being positive, in fact, I try to keep my morale high daily. But some days, a shift of moods can alter an entire day. Then I find myself lost. I don't know who to tell, what to say, or what can make it better. All I know is that it will pass. I may not know this in the moment, but I always come to realize it when I can collect my thoughts. Every ill feeling will expire in due time. Bad days are rare for me, but for you, or him, they may be very common. Take note of those who are trying to help you, or even those who notice that your pace is off rhythm. Those are the ones to be thankful for. They may not know what to say, because to put it simply, your mind can sometimes be a fortress that even you can't navigate. But the fact that they are able to sense something isn't right, and don't avoid the matter altogether, shows the selflessness that resides in their persona. The most precious stones are rough and ragged. The more you let people in, the more opportunity you give to let someone know you; to let them see past the screen you don't realize you're casting. Even on your worst days, just know that this too, shall pass. Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. Appreciate the ones who are "there" when you can't see the  "you are here."

Worlds upside-down, emotions on rise
fight it through, show your disguise
you can shake this, this isn't you
        What good does fighting do?

Walking against the crowd it feels
get me home
            to what's known
                            to what heals

It's not on purpose that I push
that this wall I built
        breaks way in flood
I want you close, but i don't know how
like rough waters hanging off the bow

Balance,
        easy,
this too shall pass






"But if I sit in the rain
maybe I can drown
in something other than
my own thoughts"





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    Lauren Wilhelm

    Official Title: Full Time Student

    Unofficial Title: Free spirit, filled with undying wanderlust, heart, and a spooling mind

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